I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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