Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
