I can tuck mytits in my pants
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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