Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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