I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
