note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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