I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
