I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
