you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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