Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
