as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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