Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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