hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
