he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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