Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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