I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
