It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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