You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The Olympian is in my bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
