Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize