So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
