wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
