You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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