He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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