she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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