last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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