I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
