it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
