He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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