They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
