JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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