How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
