She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
