I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
