His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
