I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My penis needs a shock collar
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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