mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
