If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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