We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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