my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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