What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
