Farmville is her only friend.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Shame is for Republicans.
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