Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
