I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
