I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
