omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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