I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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