Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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