I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
