She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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