why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
