dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
