I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
