she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ttyl tear gas
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize