dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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