I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
