Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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